Dance Floor...With Champagne

You want to dance. But you are just so nervous. Embarrassed that you've never heard that song, nonetheless this entire genre of music. Frightened by the advancement in lighting technology. Sure that your dance moves went out the door years ago. Not even aware that people actually stopped using the term "went out the door" years ago. It's just all too much for one person to handle.
On the contrary, one SOBER person to handle.
All you need to do is get yourself a bottle of champagne. Trust me, you are going to need the whole thing. Now...chug...keep going....the first few sips are always the worst...you got this....one more big gulp and...fuck it, just bring the bottle with you.
Not only are you on the dance floor...but you have just invented your very own dance move. Before you know it, people across the nation will be doing "The Champagne." You officially own the dance floor.
You're so good, you make dance nervous now.

A Daytime Bar...With NO Champagne

Dear Daytime Bar,
I awoke eager and excited, thinking about what the day had in store for us. I had every intention of meeting you, exchanging pleasantries and then getting people shit faced drunk with you.
The moment I arrived at the party, I ran right over to introduce myself, only to find, astonishingly, not one drop of champagne. Not even an empty bottle, to give hope that another bottle may be be waiting in the wings. You left me hopeless, questioning who I was and what was my purpose. Isn't there always champagne for Mimosas? What the fuck am I here for if there is no goddamn champagne?! It's like everything I had been taught about daytime bars, was all wrong.
Yearning for that champagne feeling, I started giving myself away for free, to kids and pregnant women! I felt trapped and pulpy, waking up next to non-alcoholic white sangrias and white wine spritzers. It was absolutely the lowest point in my life.
Feeling parched, sober, and used I eventually left the party.
I'm not asking for an apology, Daytime Bar. I'm asking you to take a good hard look at yourself and what you have potentially become. It's not over, you still have time to change. I'll be here for you when you do. In the meantime, just stay away from the damn cranberry juice. 
Sincerely,
OJ (not the OJ who killed his wife)

The Murray...With Champagne

We have all been taught to start off our wine pairings with the lightest of wines and end with the richer, more full bodied ones. One should actually start with champagne as a pallet cleanser. According to the experts, white wines would be next, followed by the lighter reds and then of course the deeper reds. Really, the only time it is acceptable to then go back to white is to finish off with a sweet dessert wine. To reverse this order would be quite absurd and nit-witted. 
Not according to Bill Murray. A friend of mine happened to be sitting next to him on a 6 hour cross country flight, in first class, of course.
He started the ascent with some red wine. After a few glasses of that, moved on to white wine, lots of white wine. He then finished off his flight, chasing it all down with a few flutes of the airlines finest bubbly.
So thanks to Bill and his determination to get drunk in flight and break all rules of the game, while doing so, we at withchampagne.com have officially deemed red-to-white-to-champagne as "The Murray."
It can be used in sentences such as, "What are you drinking tonight? I'm doing The Murray." and "Man last night was a blast! Last thing I remember was The Murray."
Try it next time you go out. I've seen enough Bill Murray movies to know, you won't be disappointed.

Canadian Women's Hockey...With Champagne

I'd like to dedicate today to the Canadian Women's Hockey team but, if and only if they stop apologizing for their actions. There was, is, and never will be anything wrong with what you did. I'm an American. You kicked our ass.  And I can still say, your instincts were nothing short of breaktaking. You won Gold! And like any good athlete, you attacked the goal, in this case being the bottle of champagne, with dedication and fervor, and didn't stop until you got the job done. The job, this time around, of course being, getting drunk on the ice...With Champagne.
Oh Canada...You've won the gold in my heart as well.

Perfume...With Champagne

Damn! If I knew about this, I'd be smelling like Champagne years ago!
This scent is amazing, but dangerously addicting. This morning I started by spraying myself, ya' know, my skin and clothes, running through the mist shower. However, moments later, in a daze, I'm spraying the couch, the chairs, rugs, and curtains.
Before I know it, I'm in a high speed chase with my cat trying to spray her down with the bottle. True story. It's that good.
Just please don't drink the stuff. It smells better than it tastes.
Not that I would know.  I just heard that...somewhere...on the radio...What?

Chinese New Year...With Champagne

Happy Chinese New Year!
According to the Chinese Calendar, it's officially the year of the Tiger. But I say screw the Tiger.
Is that offensive?
I declare this, the official year of Champagne!!!!!
In all fairness, the description of those born in the year of the Tiger, is not far off from those who drink Champagne:
Tigers are powerful, gracious, independent, bold and brave.
They are friendly and loving.
The Tiger is a natural leader and loves to be the center of attention.
The Tiger has overpowering attraction.
They are well liked because of their charismatic personalities.
They are rebels that go up against authority.
Even if you don’t agree with the beliefs of the tiger you admire his way.
They take risks and are always searching for excitement.
They get bored quite easily.
Tigers live dangerously which often leads to trouble. 
So all you crazy Tigers out there, let's celebrate our year the right way...With Champagne!

Video of the Week...With Champagne

I don't know how, but I totally forgot about Chris Rock's "Champagne" video.  I'm not really quite sure what it does for Champagne...
but it's sure hilarious enough to watch.
One of my many favorite scenes is at 3:07...What the What?!

 Click Here to Watch the Video

Mannequin...With Champagne

Now this is the type of mannequin I would have liked to see come alive in the 1987 classic "Mannequin."  This mannequin would get you behind the velvet rope, no problem. She would gain free entry into the hottest clubs, free VIP access, free swag and most definitely free champagne. And this mannequin doesn't just drink champagne either, she bathes in it. Okay, more like she fills up a bucket and puts one foot in it then glues clear plastic balls all over her body. But then really what's the difference? This is sounding less and less like an interesting movie and more and more like a Friday night in Chelsea, isn't it?

Evites...With Champagne

Look at these 2 very real and very actual Evites that I so randomly happen to come across.
They are both for Birthdays. Both for the same night.
But why I am drawn to one so much more than the other? Why does one party look like so much more fun? Why am I going to lie and say I'm sick and can't make the one party when really I am getting together with all of my friends and going to the other party? Do I like one friend more than the other?...No. Is it because I got one Evite before the other?...No.
Then what is it, you ask?
THERE"S AN MF'IN CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE EXPLODING IN ONE OF THEM! You are an idiot if you don't go to that party. It is a 100% proven fact that the picture on an Evite determines how fun a party is going to be. I thought everyone knew that. So, next time you plan a big event and you want a lot of people to show up. Pick the damn Champagne bottle exploding Evite!
And you'll always get a "Hell Yes!" reply from me.

Largest Shot Ever...With Champagne

Sometimes when I'm feeling spunky, I order a shot. Excuse me... a glass of champagne and a shot.
Don't get me wrong, it's almost never a good idea.
On this particular occasion it was a particularly bad idea.
Apparently, the bartender, whom might I add, was 5 - 6 months pregnant, had it out for me. Do you see the shot!? I wish I had my hand out in this picture to show how big it really was. We are talking 5 fingers here. 5 man fingers. Tyra Banks' forehead ain't got nothing on this shot. If I had to guess, I would say it was probably 5 - 6 ounces. 1 ounce for every month she was pregnant?  Maybe she wanted me to fulfill a night that she no longer could. Maybe she was trying to get me pregnant. Maybe she thought she was being a pal. After all, hows the saying go... "a heavy pourer makes a good friend" What's that you say...That's not a saying?  Right...probably because it leaves you face down in toilet for an hour!!!! Damn pregnant bartender. She probably named her child Jameson, or Jack, or... Moral of the story is: Champagne only from now on...unless it's Tequilla... I'll never learn.

What Are You Doing...With Champagne?

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