Dance Floor...With Champagne

You want to dance. But you are just so nervous. Embarrassed that you've never heard that song, nonetheless this entire genre of music. Frightened by the advancement in lighting technology. Sure that your dance moves went out the door years ago. Not even aware that people actually stopped using the term "went out the door" years ago. It's just all too much for one person to handle.
On the contrary, one SOBER person to handle.
All you need to do is get yourself a bottle of champagne. Trust me, you are going to need the whole thing. Now...chug...keep going....the first few sips are always the worst...you got this....one more big gulp and...fuck it, just bring the bottle with you.
Not only are you on the dance floor...but you have just invented your very own dance move. Before you know it, people across the nation will be doing "The Champagne." You officially own the dance floor.
You're so good, you make dance nervous now.

A Daytime Bar...With NO Champagne

Dear Daytime Bar,
I awoke eager and excited, thinking about what the day had in store for us. I had every intention of meeting you, exchanging pleasantries and then getting people shit faced drunk with you.
The moment I arrived at the party, I ran right over to introduce myself, only to find, astonishingly, not one drop of champagne. Not even an empty bottle, to give hope that another bottle may be be waiting in the wings. You left me hopeless, questioning who I was and what was my purpose. Isn't there always champagne for Mimosas? What the fuck am I here for if there is no goddamn champagne?! It's like everything I had been taught about daytime bars, was all wrong.
Yearning for that champagne feeling, I started giving myself away for free, to kids and pregnant women! I felt trapped and pulpy, waking up next to non-alcoholic white sangrias and white wine spritzers. It was absolutely the lowest point in my life.
Feeling parched, sober, and used I eventually left the party.
I'm not asking for an apology, Daytime Bar. I'm asking you to take a good hard look at yourself and what you have potentially become. It's not over, you still have time to change. I'll be here for you when you do. In the meantime, just stay away from the damn cranberry juice. 
Sincerely,
OJ (not the OJ who killed his wife)

The Murray...With Champagne

We have all been taught to start off our wine pairings with the lightest of wines and end with the richer, more full bodied ones. One should actually start with champagne as a pallet cleanser. According to the experts, white wines would be next, followed by the lighter reds and then of course the deeper reds. Really, the only time it is acceptable to then go back to white is to finish off with a sweet dessert wine. To reverse this order would be quite absurd and nit-witted. 
Not according to Bill Murray. A friend of mine happened to be sitting next to him on a 6 hour cross country flight, in first class, of course.
He started the ascent with some red wine. After a few glasses of that, moved on to white wine, lots of white wine. He then finished off his flight, chasing it all down with a few flutes of the airlines finest bubbly.
So thanks to Bill and his determination to get drunk in flight and break all rules of the game, while doing so, we at withchampagne.com have officially deemed red-to-white-to-champagne as "The Murray."
It can be used in sentences such as, "What are you drinking tonight? I'm doing The Murray." and "Man last night was a blast! Last thing I remember was The Murray."
Try it next time you go out. I've seen enough Bill Murray movies to know, you won't be disappointed.